Kerry Neal
While today’s article can be functional for people desiring a long-term relationship for the first time, like marriage, it is primarily focused on divorced men and women who want to find lifelong love, especially if we are discussing marriage.
If you have children from a previous relationship or marriage, please keep them as a primary focus when exploring future partners.
Many might think this is a no-brainer and shouldn’t have to be said. Trust me—it needs to be said and is a reminder.
If I had a penny for every scenario I heard in which a person downplayed their children when negotiating the practicality of a relationship, I would have a lot of change, to say the least.
Furthermore, this message is, by and large, a reminder for women because, in the black community, 80 percent of all single-led families are led by Black women. This does not suggest that Black men (the fathers) aren’t involved with their children, but most certainly, Black women are by far the custodial parent than the fathers.
Let’s stick with the women for now.
Some women will tell potential suitors, “Oh, don’t worry—the kids already have a dad –no need to worry about them—this is about you and me.” What a joke.
When seeking a new potential life partner, replacing their father is not the case, especially if he’s actively involved in the children’s lives. However, to think that you will be in a union with a woman with children and somehow you won’t be a significant part of their lives (while living under the same roof) is naïve and foolish.
Ladies, hear this: it is a package deal if you have children. Your children are a part of you and an extension of you. If he treats you like royalty but is indifferent about the children, I’m not sure you want to continue that journey with that man. Dare I say he must have as much affinity for the children as he does for you? Children can sniff out fake love fast, and their reactions to that person are essential. This does not mean that children will not feel like they are losing you—or may have dreams that one day you will reunite with their father. All true. But children will also sense if the man pursuing you truly likes them as well as you. Moreover, a real man will engage your children in such a way that he has connected with them on a level independent of you.
Man—same for you.
You may not be the custodial parent, but if you have children with another woman, let her know upfront. It’s a package deal scenario for you as well. And if the woman you are pursuing is envisioned to be your future spouse or life partner, it might be wise to attempt to have her meet your children’s mother(s).
In summary, here is what I am advising:
- Bring up children as early as the first date. This is not something you want to do down the road. Talk about your relationship with the mothers and be honest. Ladies—same for you. Let the guy know what’s up with you and the child(ren)’s father(s).
- Your children are a part of you. Never negotiate a relationship and characterize your children as an option—all for the sake of a relationship.
- If you feel that having children lessens your market value in dating, get over it. The right person will find you an asset. Those who don’t are best avoided anyway.
There’s nothing like being loved for who you are, and your children experience this kind of love as well.
